Audiobooks With a (Very) Human Touch

Audiobooks are quite popular at BPL. Whether you like to check them out on CD or download them digitally, y’all have made it clear that you dig them. As fantastic as audiobooks are, they do come with some potential roadblocks, namely 1)What if the title you’d like to hear isn’t available in audiobook form? and 2) What if you don’t have the proper device(s) to play audiobooks in the format in which we have them available?

In our latest stroke of innovation, the library has found a perfect solution to both of these problems. With our Human Audiobook program, EVERY library book is available as an audiobook and presented in a format that is universally consumable: the human voice, straight from the human mouth.

How does it work? Simply come to the library and select the books you’d like to listen to, and at the point of check out, you’ll be given the option to select and check out a living, breathing person to read your books aloud to you. This dedicated human reader is yours for three weeks to take home and anywhere else you’d like to go! Have them sit by your bedside and read you to sleep. Take them along to get some reading in on your morning run (but be prepared to experience choppy and generally lower quality audio). Let them ride shotgun during your drive to work for an ear-pleasing commute that also gives you a convenient excuse to use the HOV lane. Traveling? Take your human on the plane (you may have to buy an extra ticket, as human audiobooks are not yet a recognized form of carry-on baggage, though you might try sneakily stuffing your human into the overhead compartment).

The fine print: Borrower is responsible for feeding their borrowed human. A list of the human’s dietary restrictions will be pinned to its shirt. * Borrower is responsible for providing adequate sleeping arrangements for the human. A minimum of cot-level comfort is expected. No wooden planks or coffins, please. * The human may be used to read other, non-book items (cereal boxes, mail, billboards, etc.) to the borrower, but please refrain from tasking your borrowed human with non-reading activities. Humans returned with signs of having been used for non-reading purposes (e.g., calloused hands from manual labor, verbalized statements like “that lady made me clean her flower beds,” etc.) may result in library fines. * Borrower is not permitted to fall in love with and/or seduce their borrowed human. * The Human Audiobook program is absolutely not real, and this has all been a wacky joke. Happy April Fools’ Day, y’all, and be careful what you believe on the Internet today (and every other day, too, for that matter).

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